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Treacherous State of Dandelions in America: Some Humor, Lots of Fascist Weeds, and Successful Organic Warfare (Control) May 28, 2007

Posted by Daniel Downs in Dandelions, grass, nature, terrorism, tyranny, war, weeds.

Dandelions in grassI have noticed a certain type repeat visit to this blog. It has been repeatedly hit by hard-core and green thumbed, lawn and garden, do-it-yourselfer types. Each time I see a new DIY a strange compulsion comes over me; it’s the same kind of feeling DIYers often succumb to when seeing a bag of Scott’s Weed-N-Feed or big green John Deere tractor on sale at Lowe’s or Home Depot. Consequently, I feel the need to address what is evidently a concern of the die-hard, backyard, expert homies. That concern is about the all-American, big fat, beautifully yellow weed better known as dandelion.

In the America and Canada dandelions are in a very good state of health. According to the University of Manitoba, dandelions are the second most abundant perennial weed. It ranks 9th in the most abundant weed category. This means the dreaded dandelion is a top ranking and prestigious pest. That explains its arrogant persistence comparable to the proverbial ‘thorns in the side’ to all dedicated weed-free, golf-course-like, green lawn growers. The University of Manitobaalso claims that from 1997 to 2002 the dandelion has multiplied and spread so rapidly that it advanced 13 points up the scale of most abundant weed in North America. Since then, dandelions have become one of the most troublesome weeds known to farm and lawn.

According to The Panda’s Thumb website—evolutionist do not freak out but keep reading– dandelions have a sex problem. Let me clarify, some commentators make that claim. Officially, the outrageous growth of the dandelion is a God thing. In my opinion, the dandelion problem is about narcissism. No another weed, plant, or grass can get near them. Only when they are seeking to blend in so as not to be noticed or exposed is grass allowed within their space. Actually, the more I learn about the dandelion problem the more I am convinced it is even more serious than mere an obsessive self-interest. This whole dandelion thing smells like a terrorist conspiracy to me.

If there ever was a law that Congress should enact it should to outlaw dandelion. Did you know the dandelion was smuggled into the United States by those anarchist vermin from Europe? They inherited them from the Roman Imperialist. The rumor is they were used for medicine, but the truth is they were used for making wine. First, they get you drunk, then they take over your lawn, and the next step is the entire world. If every one is enjoying dandelion happy juice, who would dare try to extirpate those illegal aliens. I think Americans should petition Congress right now to add dandelions to the immigration laws.

Oops! I forgot the new Immigration Reform law will make them all legal non-immigrants. So much for that idea!

Several months ago, I encountered my first vociferously terrifying bout with this obnoxious but royal little fascist. The vociferous part came from me; the articulated sound I’m not at libel to speak in public. Like last year, I continued an experiment on exterminating dandelions from my lawn. I was hoping the ground hog would have helped out by eating at least some of the dandelion roots, but no such luck. Considering all of the little mounds tracked from back to front yard, it appeared the hog was lost and was unable to find its way past the sidewalk. Anyway, my experiment was rather successful last year and I’m please to announce those yellow fascists have been defeated.

What was my experiment? First, let me give some background history. My dad used to use a weed and feed in the spring and fall. On occasion he used liquid weed control to spot control patches of dandelions. It reminded me of the Raid bug killer commercial. Usually, he would use a dandelion puller in-between spring and fall. The dandelion puller consisted of a long handle and a long curved metal stem on one end with a small v-shaped blade. Now, if you ask me that was too labor intensive. I also worked for a nationally known lawn care company. It was truly a green oriented chemical loving lawn care organization. This company was especially passionate about the green they deposited in the bank. The cha-ching was even heard at Wall Street. I must say though this company had the lawn care service down to an exact science. During the season, technicians went out 4-6 times to spray specially formulated weed control on those enemies of green grass and manicured lawns. Like the military, they went out into the battle fields (lawns) dressed in their proud uniforms. They performed their valiant service through rain, snow, sleet, sometimes hail in order to win the war against dandelions Unfortunately, the customer was still expected do labor intensive work on his or her lawn. Being in the position that I was, I discovered how often the service failed to rout those rotten dandelions and other weeds from lawns. Therefore, after a few years of doing it my mentors’ way, I tried a new thing and it worked.

Last year I spread weed-n-feed in the spring. After the weeds bounced back, I manually pulled out every dandelion from the soil. That was the first battle. To fill in the sometimes-large holes where dandelions once resided, I spread new grass seed. Shortly thereafter, I noticed new dandelions had showed their yellow heads while new dandelions had replaced the old. By the way, I confined all dandelions in a plastic bag; I then took them to the nearest government official; I divested myself of those weeds at the government facility where they would be sent away forever. As you can see, taking the law into your own hands works sometimes. Anyway, I repeated what I had done during my first attack until they were seen no more.

Upon close inspection, I discovered why dandelions were getting replacements. At the base of dandelion are usually 3 or more buds. Uproot all of the dandelions and all of their buds and no replacements are possible. This maneuver I continued throughout the season.

This year I was also late in starting my experiment on the dandelions. Even though I did not spread any of Scott’s refined manure and weed control either last fall or this spring, I still had much fewer dandelions than the previous year. By repeating what I had performed last year, all of those illegal aliens are now completely under my control. Few dandelions are able to regroup, infiltrate, or growing in my lawn. As a result, I expect that few dandelions will reappear in the summer, as is usually the case. Even if they do, they will be few.

One other aspect of keeping those terrorizing dandelions under control is with the lawn mower. This year I discovered that using the bagger on my mower makes controlling dandelions much easier. Because few dandelions had grown in my back yard, I hand pulled all dandelions before mowing. But before uprooting them, I first pulled off the tops with the white fluffy head of seeds and put them in a plastic trash bag. The front lawn had way too many to manually pull from within the tall grass. Notice, cutting off their heads is effective. So, after pulling off the top with the seeds, I decided to use the bagger to catch as much of the dandelions as possible. Once the grass was short, I would wait for the dandelion to grow back. Then I would manually uproot them. The results were better than expected. Fewer dandelions grew back than I had anticipated.

Thus far, my lawn is nearly free of all dandelions. Besides a better-looking lawn, I have spent much less time on weed control this year than last. At least in my lawn, the state of dandelions is pretty dismal, and I like it … like it … yes, I do!

If you enjoyed my humor and my organic method of dandelion control, you may purchase my products or service by contacting me by e-mail. My product line includes gloves for the squeamish, soap for the brave and nice big plastic bags for both. If you prefer, you may purchase these items at any lawn and garden store, although you might save on shipping, handling and extra mark-up prices.

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1. steverino - May 29, 2007

let the dandelions roam free, they were here first. youre getting all “hyped up” over little yellow flowers get over it, im more concerned about getting thousands of soilders the hell out of iraq. get a life. (with all due respect)

2. Jack - September 14, 2007


I dont agree with you, if you look in Google you will see that your wrong.

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